Miley Cyrus, Facing Lawsuit Over Tongue-Wagging

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1 New York, NY – Rock N’ Roll legend Gene Simmons fed up with Miley Cyrus apparent misuse of his signature tongue wagging filed suit today for copyright infringement.

The lawsuit hinges on specific parameters of his trademark for Tongue Wagging filed in early 1982, however sources already confirm a settlement will be reached before the case reaches preliminary trial hearings. Fans were blindsided by the news after only identifying with the overly exposed Miley Cyrus’ tongue, which has had other recent legal trouble after giving all of her fans Herpes from issues related to repeatedly licking a stripper pole throughout live performances. While battling STD’s and lawsuits may be common ground for the KISS frontman and newly turned Pop Bad Girl, his sympathy is nowhere to be found, recently telling followers on his twitter account in so many words for Miley to “Lick it Up”.

2In related news a settlement was reached in the similar copyright infringement case brought forth by Billy Idol’s sneer which was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum insiders reported to be in the range of 1-3 million.

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Why does only 9 of 10 dentist Recommend Any Brand of Toothpaste?

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Ever wonder why every brand of toothpaste can only ever achieve a recommendation from 9 out of 10 dentists? In an open statement released recently to the press, Dr. Hu Liu from Sacramento, California has announced that he is in fact the 10th dentist. After years of pressure to submit a recommendation for at least one brand of toothpaste, Liu has resisted for personal reasons he is only now sharing.

Open Statement From the 10th Dentist:

“They’ve all called me, Colgate, Crest, Aquafresh, even Burt Bee’s himself. I just cannot recommend any of those products. Tom of Tom’s of Maine cornered me once at a fundraiser and pulled a knife on me in front of my family. This was the late 70’s, every dentist used to walk around armed back then. In the midst of overcoming that confrontation I vowed to never recommend any toothpaste, whitener, floss, or mouthwash. I was just lucky to escape with my life. Consequently, as my honor does not permit me to break this vow, I will remain neutral.”

With some speculation focused on why he is continually asked for his approval over the last 40 years, industry insiders can only tell us that Dr. Hu Liu is highly respected for his integrity. Inscrutable though it seems this dental catch 22 apparently destined to continue for the foreseeable future. As a side note, Tom’s of Maine had no comment regarding claims of violence. Police are investigating the incident in relation to other recent allegations that Tom’s of Maine murdered three people in late 2003 on a boat…off the coast of Maine.

Hologram Tupac Arrested on Parole Violation, following Coachella

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After much speculation and careful consideration a warrant was issued today for the hologram of Tupac Shakur for parole violations stemming from his 1996 altercation in Las Vegas, Nevada. Prior to issuing the arrest warrant his parole officer informed reporters that “Revenge is like the sweetest joy, next to getting pussy.”

While actually slapping handcuffs on the rap legend may prove difficult, the technology to arrest and detain a hologram is in the final stages of production.
The police are also expecting to question the holograph of Whitney Houston and the holograph of Michael Jackson in regard to the events surrounding their deaths.

With more holographic rappers materializing daily, a logjam of lawsuits and arrests are expected to follow within the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more details and don’t forget you can follow HologramTupac on twitter.

https://twitter.com/#!/HologramTupac Hologram Tupac Performs at Coachella

Peyton Manning says “No” to NFL, set to Play for newly reformed XFL.

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Originally published March 8th 2012 – Indianapolis, IN

Peyton Manning has revealed to credible sources his intention to join the XFL in the upcoming 2013 season.

Teaming up with private investors and original founder Vince McMahon, the XFL football league is set to return to NBC during the 2013 NFL offseason. After a dreadful first season in 2001, the league was disbanded but now looks to make a big return. Peyton Manning hopes to be part of the elite group of professional players to win both a Superbowl and an XFL championship. “I am done with the NFL, while most of the offers have been tempting, my love of the 2001 XFL has always been in the back of my mind. Now that I’ve been given the opportunity to join the newly reformed New Jersey HItmen, I couldn’t be happier. I consider this the ultimate challenge.” VInce McMahon has reportedly met with Peyton in private meetings since earlier in the year. With such notable players such as “HeHateMe” also making a return the league seems to be making a speedy comeback.

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Also excited are the beloved XFL cheerleaders, most of whom were working at various Strip Clubs throughout lower Mississippi.

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Look for more news as more big names look to make a similar transition. Ricky Williams recently tweeted hints on his intent to also participate. This makes sense considering the drug testing is much more relaxed.

Freddy Krueger to Promote 5-Hour Energy Drink

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Freddy Krueger to Promote 5-Hour Energy

Freddy Krueger to Promote 5-Hour Energy

Freddy Krueger of the Nightmare on Elm Street series is set to endorse the product 5-hour ENERGY® in a forthcoming campaign. According to Krueger however the partnership almost didn’t happen. While he admits to drinking energy drinks in order to work late hours tormenting dreams and menacing, he wasn’t exactly thrilled when first approached to promote the drink.

Upon interview the killer revealed he was initially hesitant having this to say “This is something that could’ve posed a possible threat to my main gig of killing many teens. Of course The energy drink issue has been looming in my rearview for a while now and sleep prevention beverage use among teens is at an all time high. With a Red Bull or Monster Energy Drink in every kids hand, I’ve been having to pull a lot of double shifts. To be honest, I’m exhausted. In the end however, I’ve learned to embrace the competitive challenges one faces when murdering young people in their sleep. After all They are always going to try a lot of things to stop me regardless of my endorsements. They’ve used Pills, cigarette burns, car lighters on the wrist, paper mache, karate exercises, all in a feeble attempt just to stay awake. None of those techniques work in the end though, I will still kill you. I’m the dream master, your fucked the minute you close your eyes at least now this way I can get paid for my efforts, and lets be honest I’m not getting any younger or less burned alive across my body.” Reports from analysts speculate the deal could reach in the millions. As the ads begin we expect to see an increase in fatalities, with kills most likely happening during the dreaded sixth hour.

“Morrissey Smiles, Injures Face”

Morrissey Smiles, Injures Face

Going on 40 years without smiling icon Morrissey has finally cracked. The smile sent the singer straight to a downtown Los Angeles emergency room after dislocating his jaw sometime last evening. He’s “scowled, smirked, grinned ironically, but never actually smiled” according to a Morrissey insider. Heaven knows the singer is Truly miserable now. His injury following the smile has made this moment all the more bittersweet. Doctors report a prolonged period of sulking, with daily brooding vital to his recovery.

Katy Perry Announces Plan to Breastfeed the Homeless for Christmas

Katy Perry set to Feed the Homeless

Malnourished hobos rejoiced today, as Katy Perry announced plans to breast-feed the homeless. Taking charitable events to a new level the singer will be utilizing her considerable assets to aid and assist the needy after each concert on her upcoming Christmas tour. Suckling at the teet of pops most generous star will provide much-needed nutrients, minerals and protein to many homeless americans. Not to mention the extreme morale boost most of the nations destitute so desperately need.
While this is not the first time a celeb has gone nude to support a cause, an
offering this particular size  and sacrifice is unprecedented.

 

When asked to comment the famously busty pop star had this to say “I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Now I want to breastfeed the homeless, is that really so hard to understand? Growing up my family and I moved around a lot and milk wasn’t always readily available, this can lead to a lot of real health issues. Everyday these families face brittle bones, calcium deficiency and a generally unsatisfying selection of beverages. No one should face that type of hardship, especially when I have so much to give. If this is what it takes to end this epidemic than that’s what I’ll do.” Local officials have neglected to review the legality or possible public health implications citing a desire to “not fuck this up.” With news of the opportunity spreading, grown men have taken drastic measures to ensure a spot in line. “I’d leave my home for a chance at those d’s, the house and my wife can go to hell. Seriously, I’d lose my home twice for this.” said man in knit cap.  In an effort to support his wife, husband Russell Brand has publicly offered to supply the events with cookies.


DMX Arrested for Impersonating A Waiter

Dmx Arrested for Impersonating Waiter at TGIF

Actor and hip hop recording artist DMX (Earl Simmons) arrested again today for disorderly conduct in a strange series of events leaving many fans, and even the police baffled. Local patrons of The TGIF in Westbury, Long Island were treated to an unusual lunch when being greeted by the famous rapper and asked to place their order. Eyewitness reports confirm he was intoxicated but decline to assail his ability as a waiter “He prayed with us, barked at us and sweated profusely, he was obviously high, but man what a great waiter. He knew the drink specials, the food was delicious and at no point did he write down anything, it was unsettling.” Workers at the establishment gave the known crack addict a wide berth, running food and seating his section frequently. Previously arrested for impersonating a Federal Agent at the JFK airport in 2008, Dmx was released early this year after serving 3 years related to the incident. Now he looks to be back in trouble with the law for resisting arrest, stealing employee uniforms and causing a public disturbance.

Before Police apprehended him, he was overheard asking a table of four            “Whatcha Really Want.”

Breaking News: Disney’s DuckTales to Go Live Action 2013

Ducktales to Go Live Action

With the recent success of movies like Madagascar 3 and Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, there has been a renewed interest in cartoon sitcoms and Oliver Stone movies about greed. A live action version of Disney’s Ducktales is apparently in the works. Ducktales has had a rocky road to production with a multitude of owners ranging from the Coen Brothers to Cinemax. Disney now in full control of the property is expected to put forth a press release any day now regarding details.

One possible plot pits Scrooge McDuck against his own public image amidst the backdrop of the recent wall street occupation. Flintheart Glomgold and Magica De Spell team up to frame him as the brains behind a ponzi scheme to resembling Bernie Madoff’s. Wherein Scrooge McDuck is vilified publicly. With picket signs and protestors lining up outside his vault, the Beagle Boys disguise themselves as left wingers to create a riot situation. This leaves the vault and more importantly the famed lucky dime vulnerable. Meanwhile Huey, Dewey and Louie come to grips with the harsh realities of going through puberty in the spotlight. Huey turns to painkillers, Dewey strives to follow in his Uncle’s footsteps and Louie confronts the ghost of the their mothers past as a prostitute. Webby is a proud lesbian vegan chef living in lower east Duckburg. Launchpad McQuack and Gyro Gearloose aide Scrooge and the McDuck clan in their endeavors. In order to set things straight the boys and their uncle will have to reunite for one last adventure across the globe to uncover the truth behind the conspiracy, battle witchcraft, and finally put a stop to those damn Beagle boys.

Does this sound like a realistic plot?

Directors : Oliver Stone, Steven Spielberg or John Carpenter

Actors

Scrooge McDuck – John C. Reilly

Flintheart GlomGold – Ian Mckellan\Cillian Murphy

Magica DeSpell – Angelica Houston\Mila Kunis

Hewey – Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Dewey – Elijah Wood

Louie – Jesse Eisenberg

Beagle Boys – Will Ferrell, Aziz Ansari, Jack Black

Ma Beagle – Kathy Bates

Mrs. Beakley – Gabourey Sidibe

Gyro Gearloose – Rain Wilson

Launchpad McQuack – Daniel Day Lewis

These are our NoiseBleed casting speculations, comment with your cast ideas and tell us what you think of ours.

The NoiseBleed is looking for Contributors – Articles, Videos, Submissions, Etc

Hey Y’all This is just a reminder that The NoiseBleed is looking for Contributors to help contribute content during the initial phases of development. If your interested in being a part of The Noisebleed whether it’s writing an article, developing a funny concept, producing a video or just throwing out a few ideas hit us up!

There is a wide range of topics we’re looking to cover in a variety of ways so no topic is off limits or deemed unworthy.

In the meantime, You might see a few works in progress being posted sporadically and tweaked before we officially launch The NoiseBleed.

 

 

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